Yesterday my mom asked me what the Song of the Week would be this week. For the first time since starting this Friday routine, I really didn’t know what to share. I usually have the theme for the week worked out by Wednesday evening, but not this week. I explained to my mother that it felt like the results from the mediation session this morning would dictate this week for me. Sadly, it was true.
I would love to focus on the good times with the kids playing, having my son read to me, enjoying my daughter and her friend, reading a fabulous book, or some other great activity. Unfortunately, it felt like everything hinged on mediation this week.
To say that I am incredibly disappointed that I have spent my entire adult life (20 years of marriage this month) with the man across the mediation table is an understatement. Why did I try so hard when love had faded? Why did I put forth such a concerted effort simply out of a sense of responsibility and obligation? This man feels no responsibility for me or his kids and yet I put so much of what I wanted professionally and personally aside to support him for 20 years. I am heartbroken all over again.
I try to be positive with my outlook in life. I don’t believe in carrying anger and hate in my heart because I am ultimately the one to lose. And, most important, anger and hate just don’t fit with who I am as a person.
I cry as I write this, but know from the pain I have experienced so far, this too will pass. I will feel better. I will feel stronger. I will feel whole. But right now it hurts too much and I have hate residing in my heart. Disgust is bunkmates with hate. I don’t know how long disgust will stay with me. Maybe forever. I hope not though.
So, as for the Song of the Week, I am doing something different. I came across a woman on Twitter called @Schadenfreudett. I like this woman simply because of her Twitter name. I love the word schadenfreude, so I had to follow her.
So, where am I going with this?
Schadenfreudette is a blogger and I spent some time on her site. What I came across this week was a YouTube video that her husband put together as a Valentine’s Day gift for her. It is set to a Coldplay song so this is reason number two I like her: good taste in music.
I felt like I was witnessing this amazing love between two people while watching the video. This man loves her and he was able to express this love through how he sees her in the images. Maybe as a photographer it moved me on a different level; maybe it is the use of a beautiful Coldplay song; or maybe it was seeing the love and happiness between the two of them. Whatever the reason, I was moved.
I see this video as hope. Hope that a true and lasting love exists. Hope for happiness. Hope for joy experienced simply by loving and being loved. Hope that this type of love will come my way and actually stick around.
I feel hope, but also hopeless. A single 41 year old mom will not experience the love in this video: pure, innocent, uncomplicated. That time has passed for me. Love this time around will be complicated or maybe even impossible. That is my reality.
I don’t think these two people will sit across a mediation table from each other in the future. At least I never want to find out if it does happen. I couldn’t stand knowing I witnessed this beautiful love between two people and their union ended in arguing over a coffee pot or visitation with the family pet or some other insignificant matter.
Yes, I have hope. I need to have hope because I need to hold onto something at this very difficult time in my life.
Isn’t this an amazing expression of love? She stated it was the sweetest gift she had ever received. I can understand that. I would feel the same way.
What about you?
Did this video touch something in you too?
Happy Friday everyone.
UPDATE: There was a tremendous response to the post and a lot of personal self-discovery following the post. Read Hope Part 2 to learn more.