Hope That a True and Lasting Love Exists

August 6, 2010

in Singledom, Song of the Week

 

HopeYesterday my mom asked me what the Song of the Week would be this week. For the first time since starting this Friday routine, I really didn’t know what to share. I usually have the theme for the week worked out by Wednesday evening, but not this week. I explained to my mother that it felt like the results from the mediation session this morning would dictate this week for me. Sadly, it was true.

I would love to focus on the good times with the kids playing, having my son read to me, enjoying my daughter and her friend, reading a fabulous book, or some other great activity. Unfortunately, it felt like everything hinged on mediation this week.

To say that I am incredibly disappointed that I have spent my entire adult life (20 years of marriage this month) with the man across the mediation table is an understatement. Why did I try so hard when love had faded? Why did I put forth such a concerted effort simply out of a sense of responsibility and obligation? This man feels no responsibility for me or his kids and yet I put so much of what I wanted professionally and personally aside to support him for 20 years. I am heartbroken all over again.

I try to be positive with my outlook in life. I don’t believe in carrying anger and hate in my heart because I am ultimately the one to lose. And, most important, anger and hate just don’t fit with who I am as a person.

I cry as I write this, but know from the pain I have experienced so far, this too will pass. I will feel better. I will feel stronger. I will feel whole. But right now it hurts too much and I have hate residing in my heart. Disgust is bunkmates with hate. I don’t know how long disgust will stay with me. Maybe forever. I hope not though.

So, as for the Song of the Week, I am doing something different. I came across a woman on Twitter called @Schadenfreudett. I like this woman simply because of her Twitter name. I love the word schadenfreude, so I had to follow her.

So, where am I going with this?

Schadenfreudette is a blogger and I spent some time on her site. What I came across this week was a YouTube video that her husband put together as a Valentine’s Day gift for her. It is set to a Coldplay song so this is reason number two I like her: good taste in music.

I felt like I was witnessing this amazing love between two people while watching the video. This man loves her and he was able to express this love through how he sees her in the images. Maybe as a photographer it moved me on a different level; maybe it is the use of a beautiful Coldplay song; or maybe it was seeing the love and happiness between the two of them. Whatever the reason, I was moved.

I see this video as hope. Hope that a true and lasting love exists. Hope for happiness. Hope for joy experienced simply by loving and being loved. Hope that this type of love will come my way and actually stick around.

I feel hope, but also hopeless. A single 41 year old mom will not experience the love in this video: pure, innocent, uncomplicated. That time has passed for me. Love this time around will be complicated or maybe even impossible. That is my reality.

I don’t think these two people will sit across a mediation table from each other in the future. At least I never want to find out if it does happen. I couldn’t stand knowing I witnessed this beautiful love between two people and their union ended  in arguing over a coffee pot or visitation with the family pet or some other insignificant matter.

Yes, I have hope. I need to have hope because I need to hold onto something at this very difficult time in my life.


Isn’t this an amazing expression of love? She stated it was the sweetest gift she had ever received. I can understand that. I would feel the same way.

What about you?

Did this video touch something in you too?

Happy Friday everyone.

UPDATE: There was a tremendous response to the post and a lot of personal self-discovery following the post. Read Hope Part 2 to learn more.


{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }

Ofthesea August 6, 2010 at 8:20 pm

Darling, I’m not even gonna watch it today. Not the best day. But I know how you feel, and even though it *will* get better right now you may not want to hear that either.

So let me send you a big big hug, you know where to find me if you need to rant some more!

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 6, 2010 at 8:25 pm

Thank you! You are the best. Will chat with you on Twitter soon. i need to rest tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

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Robin G August 7, 2010 at 2:16 am

Those bridals were gorgeous, especially the opening shot.

It was a very special tribute to their love. Beautiful.

Usually, when things are bad between me and my husband, it’s difficult for me to appreciate someone else’s happiness. I am just so sad for myself.

Today I am sad for you. What a miserable time of your life. It’s okay to acknowledge that it sucks right now.

I hope you sleep. And that you are extra kind and forgiving to yourself through all of this.

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 7, 2010 at 6:46 am

Thank you Robin. Yesterday was a very difficult day. I did sleep last night and I feel a little better today. I have plans with friends this evening and I know being surrounded by people who really care about my kids and me will be just what I need today.

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TornadoTwos August 7, 2010 at 9:36 am

I’m sorry for the difficult time you are going through right now. I found your post so touching, and I hope that things get better for you soon. It sounds like you have a great support system around you.
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Naked Girl in a Dress August 7, 2010 at 9:48 am

Thank you Tornado Twos. I do have an amazing support system. I don’t know what I would do without those friends and family members. The bonus of having a blog is that I also have supportive readers.

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Jen August 7, 2010 at 9:49 am

Of course she’s in love; did you see the size of that ring??! I’m kidding – trying to put a smile on your face :)

I wish I could be there with you/ for you right now. You are one of the strongest women I know and you WILL be fine.

Did the trip to the salon help yesterday? If not, might I suggest:
1. A Swirl in the middle of the afternoon just because (or some fancy frozen drink of your choice)
2. Some elaborate build-yourself ice cream concoction that is sure to make you sick as a dog later
3. Buy a new pair of shoes. Either some that are completely ridiculously priced or over the top wild
4. Get in your car, take a long drive with the windows down and blast music that will make you and your heart sing and sing loud (this is best as a solo activity but please have one of the kids hiding in car with iphone video running for our entertainment)
5. When all else fails – glitter! Make yourself SPARKLE

I love you very much. Chin up, chica.
I am here if you need anything…
xoxoxo
Jen
PS – The video was great. Bridals were beautiful. That was a very special gift. You will find lasting love one day too!

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 7, 2010 at 10:28 am

I love you too sis. I like the list you came up with to cheer me up. Leaning towards a new pair of shoes, but complete joy cannot be reached shoe shopping without you. You bring something extra to the experience.

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Jen August 7, 2010 at 4:58 pm

PS – the shoes she is wearing in her bridals look super fun! Go get you some of those and prance around your neighborhood :)

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 7, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Don’t they? How cool is it that she didn’t wear white shoes? I loved that!

Love you sis xoxoxo ~Me

Ash August 7, 2010 at 11:03 am

I hope your plans helped to ease your pain. I’m so very sorry for your heartache.

I have faith that your next love will be less complicated than expected. Young and innocent love is nice, but I also see it as naive. We bend and twist to suit the spouse. Well, at least I did. I’m fortunate in the fact that I’ve been able to let the real me out to play, and we’re still ok. I have a feeling that with older and wiser love, it’s more love me or lump it. For your heart, I hope.
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Naked Girl in a Dress August 7, 2010 at 11:22 am

Thank you Ash.

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ash August 7, 2010 at 12:23 pm

You’re so very welcome – I regret putting this in my comment though – “I’m fortunate in the fact that I’ve been able to let the real me out to play, and we’re still ok.” I hope it did not offend. I find myself frequently suffering from comment remorse.

I’ll stop typing now :-)
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Naked Girl in a Dress August 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Ash~
No need for comment remorse with me. I was not offended at all! I don’t like to carry anger and hate around, but also resentment. I would be a terrible person if I resented you because you have a good relationship. I don’t want others to be miserable so that I will feel better. I am not that type of person.
Thanks for stopping by!

ash August 7, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Thanks, and I will be by more for sure. So glad the Red Dress Club has introduced me to so many wonderful blogs. Crazy what a maze it all is.
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Shayna August 7, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Very sweet video! Thank you for sharing :-)
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How Does She Do It Mom August 7, 2010 at 8:23 pm

This blog post hit so close to home for me….I had to share this with you…there is still HOPE never give that up whatever you do. I was with my ex husband for 13 years a story much the same as what you told above. I have sat across from him at mediation more than once and felt exactly they way you did…I know it well! Wow I am getting emotional just thinking about it…I was hurt, I was torn I was trying to keep my head above water and always be positive and not harbor anger and bitterness (and yes it is damn hard)…but you know what I did it and I am in love today with my soul mate (a thing I didn’t believe existed two years ago)…he found me and moved the world to be with me….it does happen.

I don’t usually attached links when I comment but something tells me this blog post that I wrote might heighten your belief in “one day” http://www.howdoesshedoitmom.com/the-first-kiss/
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Naked Girl in a Dress August 8, 2010 at 12:17 am

Thank you for sharing your story.

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Lara August 7, 2010 at 11:20 pm

Reading your post today, hit home, I am in the exact same place you are and have been. Thank you for sharing and helping me to understand that I am not the only woman who feels that way!!

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 8, 2010 at 12:00 am

Hang in there Lara.

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erin August 8, 2010 at 9:21 am

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I haven’t watched the video yet because I’m not sure I can handle it right now and my kids are running around my kitchen like banshees at 80 mph. I found you via the Red Dress Blog/Club and am so grateful you shared this….I know it must be really difficult. My thoughts are with you.

I also think a nice glass of wine helps. Or a phone call to a good friend. Or a giant scoop of ice cream with fresh, hot-out-of-the-oven cookies mashed into it. But that’s just me, maybe.
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Naked Girl in a Dress August 8, 2010 at 9:23 am

Erin~
Thanks for the support. All of your ideas are terrific. Maybe I should try all today: call a friend, drink a glass of wine, and then eat dessert!

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Barb August 8, 2010 at 9:34 am

I could easily cry with you. I understand your feelings completely. My ex and I were married 11 years, together 13. And when I saw that first court document with Last Name V Last Name on it I was a mess. I just couldn’t believe that I was versing this man in court. I do truly believe that with time that disgust and hatred will leave you. And you will be able to begin your new life with yourself and your kids.
I just yesterday was talking about one of my closest friends who has an amazing loving relationship with her husband. They have been together over 20 years and they are happy and in love and it shows. They are amazingly lucky.
I could babble on and on…obviously.
Please hang in there. None of this is easy. But I found real hope when I realized that I was free to find happiness again.
I’m following you now because well, obviously, I can relate to you. :)

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 8, 2010 at 10:05 am

Barb~I am encouraged that I will feel more hope when the divorce is final. I feel like I can’t move forward with my life until then. Thanks for stopping by. I love your blog, by the way.

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Lucy August 8, 2010 at 11:32 am

What a sweet video. I assure you that true love does exist, and you will find it. As long as you don’t give up hope. It’s hard to make it though the sad days. You just want to crawl back into bed, and usually life has other plans. You wish you could hit the fast forward button, and you can’t. All you can do is accept your feelings, feel your feelings, and wait for better times. Good luck. Great blog.

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 9, 2010 at 8:33 am

Lucy~ Thanks for the encouraging words.

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JoAnn August 8, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Always hope. What you’re going through right now sucks, but you have the strength and the time to work your way through it. I know that doesn’t help. I’ve been married to a great guy for 10 years now. He’s my second husband and I married him when I was 38. My first one was a dud, but it took a while to figure that out, and still, the ending of that relationship was hard. Harder than I usually admit.

Keep hope alive.

Sending you good vibes, positive energy and thoughts of new shoes and ice cream.
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Naked Girl in a Dress August 9, 2010 at 8:34 am

JoAnn~I can’t begin to express how fortunate I feel to have readers like you. So many readers have left their own stories, which make me feel more hopeful for the future. Thank you!

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schadenfreudette August 8, 2010 at 1:58 pm

Thank you so much for the sweet tribute. I think the highest compliment a writer can receive is that their words touched someone or helped someone through something. It’s not why I started blogging, but it’s why I wish I hadn’t stopped.

The only thing I ask is that you NEVER give up hope. Ever. Well, maybe not all the way. I don’t know how far back you read on my blog, but I had pretty much given up hope on finding love as well. I had a horrible first marriage, a horrible relationship after that, and had pretty much decided to take up knitting and sign up for a the Frequent Cat Adopter club at the local SPCA. And that’s exactly when Ron and I stumbled into each other’s lives. His first marriage was maybe even more demoralizing than mine, so we were both completely taken by surprise. It can happen when you least expect it and it’s NEVER too late. Our love doesn’t have the innocence and luck of a first love gone right. We are each other’s reward for fighting, losing, but surviving the battles that came before.

I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. I won’t even pretend to know how it feels, other than awful. But I do know that it will get better, and it will make you stronger, and some how some day, you will be grateful for it.

Thank you for the kind words and thank you for sharing your journey. I’m honored to be able to follow it.

PS. A couple things:

1) Yes, the ring is awesome and huge and it sometimes gets him a free pass on some stuff. ;) His reasoning is that since I didn’t get a ring – or a marriage really – the first time around, he wanted to make up for it.

2) The shoes were from Bakers back in 2008 and they were only $20. I don’t know of anything that can cheer a girl up better than new shoes, other than new CHEAP shoes.

3) All credit for my amazing bridal photos goes to Jennifer Nichols (http://www.jnicholsphoto.com/). She and her husband are amazing photographers and if you live in or around Austin and need any sort of photography done, you won’t find better than them.

4) Thank you again, all of you, for your sweet words. It made my day and I know it made my husband’s day as well. I don’t blog anymore at the moment, but he is quite active (and funny) at http://clarkkentslunchbox.blogspot.com

5) Love you all. Never give up.

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 9, 2010 at 8:40 am

Schadenfreudette~
Thank you for stopping by to read the post and taking the time to leave this comment. While I am sorry you and your husband had difficult first marriages, that story actually gives me a bit of hope. To know that love was hard-won and the second time around, somehow makes me feel like life can turn around for me. Maybe the next love won’t be as complicated or impossible. Thank you for that.

I am following your husband’s blog now and love it! I do hope you will blog again. You are a gifted writer.

Finding your video, writing about it, and reading the supportive comments from readers really make blogging a rewarding experience.

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Sara August 12, 2010 at 10:53 am

I love that you commented in Schandenfreudette and that you posted this post NakedGirl, even though I know it’s painful. I’m a single mom, by choice, so I can’t relate to the divorce BUT I can relate to being 41, single and a mom and wondering if I’ll ever find love. What I look at is the number of seniors I see walking down the street, hand in hand, looking so happy. I think – I KNOW – I won’t be single forever and if I meet the right person at 50…that’s still a HELL OF A LOT of time to be with someone! I knew reading your post, that there would be more to the story and I thank you Schaden…for letting us know that there is. You guys are both awesome!

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 12, 2010 at 11:16 am

Sara!
Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, we CAN find that lasting love, even if we have complicated lives. As my mom says, at my age, everyone I date will be either divorced with kids or never married. She firmly believes I should avoid the “never married” guys because something must be wrong with them. Life is complicated and that complication shouldn’t get in the way of love.

I agree; Schadenfreudette is awesome. So is her husband. I recommend you check out his blog (see Schadenfreudette’s comment. There’s a link).

Clyde August 8, 2010 at 2:34 pm

First, You invested 20 years in the relationship because a=in the moment you believed it was the right thing to do, there is no shame in that. And second anger often hides hurt, so let the hurt be …

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Alana Morales August 8, 2010 at 2:40 pm

First of all, big hugs to you! Second, don’t be so hard on yourself! I think it’s a natural reaction for women, but it doesn’t make it right. Things will get better for you in time.
Hang in there and take good care of yourself.

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Michele August 8, 2010 at 3:35 pm

My two cents on this…sometimes we try so hard to not be mad, or we try so hard to TRY and be happy that we end up even more miserable. Sometimes it’s okay to be mad and upset and heartbroken. It sounds like the situation deserves that–he broke your heart, and probably the hearts of your children. That doesn’t mean you can’t have hope or that the anger will last forever. I think when you can separate your life from HIS decision to take himself out of the picture, then you can start to move on. I had a conversation about this recently with a friend whose father doesn’t want to support her (she’s a single mom trying to finish her last year of college). She’s having a really hard time dealing with the situation and asked me about my relationship with my dad. There isn’t one–there hasn’t been one for over 10 years. He made a choice at that time, knowing that I would get married someday and have children, that he didn’t need to talk to me anymore. I wasn’t okay with it then, but I am now. Cliche–time heals. But it’s true. I know it will heal your wounds as well.

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Naked Girl in a Dress August 9, 2010 at 8:42 am

Michele~ You are right; I need to allow myself the opportunity to feel whatever emotion comes my way. Success in this process isn’t maintaining a happy demeanor throughout. It is allowing myself to be in the moment and feel whatever emotion comes my way.

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Peg August 8, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Found you through another blogger and have to agree that this is one of the sweetest “gifts” I’ve ever witnessed. Yes, you can feel the love he has for her.
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Jingle August 8, 2010 at 10:09 pm

being hopeful and hopeless is cool and real,
I can relate.
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Alexandra August 9, 2010 at 9:54 am

This post makes me have to email you. WOW.

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T August 9, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Sending you strength. Hope will carry you through this.

Promise.
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Naked Girl in a Dress August 9, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Thanks T!

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Mark August 9, 2010 at 12:51 pm

This is truly a remarkable video. There is truly hope, hang in there and love yourself and your children and all will come to be as you desire.
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Naked Girl in a Dress August 9, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Thank you Mark. You always inspire me. So glad for the comment today.

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Alex@LateEnough August 9, 2010 at 8:38 pm

I don’t have much to add except I’m glad that you are choosing hope while acknowledging it’s hard.

And here is a
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Angie August 10, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Oh, don’t give up on love yet. I believe it is out there for EVERYONE. However, I don’t believe in TRUE love…. but I believe you can love more than one person and have an incredible life with one. There’s my two cents :0)
Visiting from SITS!

xo

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Desi baba August 17, 2010 at 12:07 am

My journey on the way to love never has been good and I wish I had a good mate that will cheer me on and love me the way I am. Anyway, thank you for the post.
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HeadsUp_Dad April 21, 2011 at 6:48 am

Lovely video. If it inspires you then you will find it too. Do not give up hope that you might some day feel that kind of love again. Age is not a framework that defines the potential for love, only a number that marks time gone by. If you have the capacity to feel great pain, then you can also feel great love.

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Naked Girl in a Dress May 12, 2011 at 9:29 am

Thank you! How inspiring!

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Missa June 4, 2011 at 8:03 pm

WoW. Open. Real. Honest. *This* is what real blogging is about. The world moved and you never even noticed. I can relate. Living your life can do that. One day you look up and your not in the same world any more.

Hold your head up. The rest of us are rooting for you. Today is your present but tomorrow is your future. A new future. And it’s waiting for you. You. Are. Going. To. Be. Ok.

The video was really lovely. All great beginnings are. Best of luck to you. <3

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Naked Girl in a Dress June 11, 2011 at 10:15 am

Missa,

Thank you for this lovely comment. I am glad this post resonated for you. Your comment made my morning. So thank you!

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