5 Reasons to Never Get Married. Ever.

April 12, 2012

in Naked Girl Has Guests, Singledom

Guest WriterBen from Dad of the Decade is a versatile, brilliant writer. He is currently writing the poignant story of his life with his daughter Emma. Ben has regularly been bringing his readers (me included) to tears with each beautifully-written installment. With Ben writing on such a serious subject right now, it was with a little trepidation that I asked him to be a guest writer. Not because I was worried about what he would write, but because I was asking Ben to respond to a specific writing assignment, something I have never posed to a guest writer in the past. The concern was because I was asking him to write a humor piece, which is a genre I have not yet discovered from Ben. By asking though, I learned something about my writer friend:

Ben is capable of pure comedic genius in his writing.

I am so happy he accepted the assignment, which was to write a male’s rebuttal to my post “5 Reasons to Get Married.” After you read his guest post, go visit his blog and stalk the guy on Twitter. Let him know the Naked Girl sent you.

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Friends, consider this an intervention. It is a call for a restoration of sanity to our gentle hostess, a fiercely independent single mom and doer of Very Good Deeds. This guest post, this occupation of her blog home, has one simple demand:

That Kelly and every single reader of Naked Girl in a Dress remember why they did or should have never tied the knot in the first place.

You may recall that Kelly recently posted her “5 Reasons to Get Married.” Poppycock, say I. As Rowlf the Dog famously sang of the fairer sex, “Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can’t Live Without ‘Em.” Rowlf’s gravelly-voiced counterpart Tom Waits sang “Better Off Without a Wife.” If the combined wisdom of these two paradigms of modern relationship advice can not persuade you, well, you may be certifiable. However, in the fervent hope of awakening whatever small shred of a soul you may still have, I present to you my 5 Utterly Unassailable and Completely Correct Reasons to Never Ever Get Married. Ever. For Realsies.

Reason the First: Pants.

Single life is a pantsless land of bliss and dreams. Need to pee? No need to put those pants back on after, soldier! Just prance on out of that lavatory and back into your butt-groove for the rest of that Battlestar Galactica marathon. It’s no-pants day, every day! Get married, though, and suddenly you are in a constrictive world of below-the-waist confinement. That pleasant breeze you have become accustomed to gently wafting through your thighs? It becomes nothing but a memory of freedom and a reminder of your poor decision making. Back when I was married, I was actually asked if I was coming to bed without pants, disappointment and regret in the eyes of my ex-wife. No, apparently I was never going to bed without pants again.

Reason the Second: In-Laws.

No matter how awesome the parent of your partner may seem before that long walk down the aisle, that evil glint in their eye as they hand the fruit of their loins off to you is not a trick of the light. It is pure malice spilling out. In it, the realization of all slights, real or imagined, past, present, and future is kindled. Thought you were going to carve your own turkey for Thanksgiving? Think again. For that matter, think you were ever spending Thanksgiving with your own family ever again? Nope. Say goodbye to mom’s famous giblet gravy, you’ve swallowed your last globular drop. It’s your partner’s Grandma Bessie’s weird sour cream and cheez-wiz shredded potato casserole from now on. With NO GRAVY.

It doesn’t matter how amazing you are. You could save orphaned American babies from armies of ill-tempered terrorists every Tuesday, armed with nothing but a bible, your chastity, and good-old American know-how, and you will still never live up to the hopes and expectations the parents of your betrothed had for their kiddo. Are you a doctor? They hoped for a cardiologist. Are you an astronaut? They hoped for Neil Effing Armstrong. An elected official? No matter what your party affiliation, it’s the wrong one.

Reason the Third: The Loo.

It is a proven scientific fact that your partner leaves the bathroom smelling SO. MUCH. WORSE. than you do (Jackson’s Scientific Principle #2). What may seem like a surprise you can live with in the dating/sleepover stage – something which might even be a little bit funny, one of those imperfections which make you love your special someone that much more—in marriage will leave you to the grim realization that you’ll never be able to use your bathroom second ever again. What your partner does in there will start to remind you of what your grandfather did in there, and life will quickly start to fall apart. You will wind up in a race to wake up a few minutes earlier than your spouse, just to ensure you get to the bathroom first. Your morning constitutional will slowly become your “early morning constitutional,” and then your “midnight constitutional” and soon you won’t even be sleeping at all. When your “number one” takes his or her “number two,” you will long for the days of pants-free premarital bliss.

Reason the Fourth: The One That Got Away.

Marriage means giving up the dream of the grand reuniting with your secret crush of the past. Remember that time you were alone in the band room with the apple of your eye near the end of senior year? Remember how your eyes met over the music stands, and the sparks of adolescence and impending adulthood nearly killed you both? Remember how you found yourself standing so close to each other, you could feel the heat pouring off of her? Remember how in that magical moment before you leaned in for that perfect kiss the door banged open and the tuba section poured in for their Thursday afternoon sectional and the moment was lost?

Remember? Of course you do!

Well, say goodbye to any chance of the Garry Marshall/Nicholas Sparks style reunion. As you say “I do,” your own personal Dustin Hoffman will not be banging on the glass screamin “Mrs. Robinson!” before you both ride off on the back seat of your Simon and Garfunkel tinted future. It’s over, and it’s never going to happen, ever, and that’s sad.

Reason the Fifth: Weddings are Expensive

You think you’ve seen a high bar tab before. Maybe you spent lavishly that last time in Vegas. Maybe you splurged on a bottle of Armagnac after that last promotion. Sister, you haven’t seen anything, yet. Wedding guests who have not consumed anything but Natural Light in a can their entire lives will suddenly be drinking Drambuie cocktails garnished with caviar and the feet of an endangered South African pheasant – because it’s on your dime. The prison-released meathead slicing the oppressively dry beef at your “Steak d’Amour” carving station is making thirty-eight dollars an hour before tip, and will probably come burn down your house if you don’t tip at least twenty-five percent. Of course, if you’re paying off a wedding you won’t be able to afford a house, so that’s good.

So, dear friends – don’t do it. Stay single, pantsless, and in the good graces of Mr. Tom Waits.


{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Alison@Mama Wants This April 12, 2012 at 9:08 am

Hahahahaha!! Good stuff Ben!

I have to disagree with #1 though – my husband gets to prance about pants free ALL DAY if he so chooses. I only draw the line at holey boxer shorts.

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Naked Girl in a Dress April 12, 2012 at 10:55 am

I am sure Ben will be excited to read there is one wife out there who allows her husband total pantless freedom. Maybe it will restore his faith in marriage.

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Ben April 12, 2012 at 11:40 am

Thanks, Alison!

Your husband is a lucky man. Although perforated boxers are perfectly acceptable attire for most occasions!
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Lance April 12, 2012 at 9:11 am

I agree 100 percent

Please don’t tell my wife.
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Naked Girl in a Dress April 12, 2012 at 10:54 am

Your secret is safe here Lance.

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Ben April 12, 2012 at 11:42 am

Solidarity, brother.
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Ado April 12, 2012 at 10:10 am

I’m a big fan of D of the D, and I love his posts – poignant as they are, they are all beautifully crafted and well-written. This humor piece made me laugh – hard – and that doesn’t surprise me because I find that the funniest people have usually crawled through the darkness like Ben has. (Look at Robin Williams.) Anyway – thanks for the laugh! (-:
PS: Weddings ARE expensive, and I LOVE Tom Waitts.
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Naked Girl in a Dress April 12, 2012 at 10:57 am

You have a great point Ado. Ben’s challenges haven’t killed him and he probably has a better perspective on enjoying life as a result. I loved this post!

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Ben April 12, 2012 at 11:43 am

Aw, thanks, Ado.
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sheri April 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm

HAAAAA!! This is fantastic. Your description of Married Thanksgiving had me cracking up. I am happily married but ohhhhh the humor behind this post is seeping through my screen! Bravo.
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Naked Girl in a Dress April 12, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I am glad you liked Ben’s post Sheri. He is a gifted writer and I am fortunate he accepted my request to take over my site today!

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Ben April 13, 2012 at 10:58 am

Thanks, Sheri! Glad you liked!
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tara pohlkotte April 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Haha..oh, my husband stands strong on the no pants front. In fact he got the kids ready for bed last night. Totally endearing until I realized I was the only person wearing pants in the house (3 year old daughter included). Apparently you “just sleep better that way”… Very funny! I knew I loved how you write :)

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Ben April 13, 2012 at 10:58 am

Many thanks, Tara. And power to the pantsless!
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Kerstin April 12, 2012 at 8:03 pm

The first thing that comes off my husband when he walks in the door after work are his pants. Sometimes he even forgets to put them back on when he goes outside for a smoke or to bring out the trash, which has made him (in)famous in the neighborhood.
I absolutely love this post!!!
And I believe it was Al Bundy who said: “Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t bury the wife in the backyard.” – If that’s not reason enough then I don’t know what it, but your reasons are very convincing as well!
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Ben April 13, 2012 at 10:59 am

Your husband sounds like he has just the right attitude for life!
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heidi April 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Ben, this is fantastic!! It isn’t ‘no pants’ for me as much as comfy pants. I have the right to wear them whenever I want. (And my husband too)
And the evil glint…I understand that evil glint. But, the evil glint I received was more of a passive-aggressive evil glint.
Great, great post.
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Ben April 13, 2012 at 10:59 am

Heidi, “the comfiest pants are the ones still in the drawer.” – Abraham Lincoln.
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Michelle Longo April 12, 2012 at 9:07 pm

I see no reason people should have to wear pants when they are home. Unless people are over, that’s when you wear your jammies. I’m totally with you on #2 and #3 though. Ben, you’re a funny guy!
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Ben April 13, 2012 at 11:00 am

When there is company, they should go pantsless, too. It’s all about making people feel at home, yanno?
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Michelle Longo April 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Clearly you don’t know the company I keep ;)
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Hollie April 13, 2012 at 4:07 am

You proved you point here. So if you have a lot of qualms about getting married, especially about that one who got away, you better call it off.
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Ben April 13, 2012 at 11:01 am

Thanks for reading, Hollie.

Just to be clear, in case I wasn’t (the frequent bane of the writer, alas), this is totally tongue-in-cheek. Also, I am 100% single (ladies?), so there is nothing to call off. Alas.
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