5 Reasons to Never Get Married. Ever.

Guest WriterBen from Dad of the Decade is a versatile, brilliant writer. He is currently writing the poignant story of his life with his daughter Emma. Ben has regularly been bringing his readers (me included) to tears with each beautifully-written installment. With Ben writing on such a serious subject right now, it was with a little trepidation that I asked him to be a guest writer. Not because I was worried about what he would write, but because I was asking Ben to respond to a specific writing assignment, something I have never posed to a guest writer in the past. The concern was because I was asking him to write a humor piece, which is a genre I have not yet discovered from Ben. By asking though, I learned something about my writer friend:

Ben is capable of pure comedic genius in his writing.

I am so happy he accepted the assignment, which was to write a male’s rebuttal to my post “5 Reasons to Get Married.” After you read his guest post, go visit his blog and stalk the guy on Twitter. Let him know the Naked Girl sent you.

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Friends, consider this an intervention. It is a call for a restoration of sanity to our gentle hostess, a fiercely independent single mom and doer of Very Good Deeds. This guest post, this occupation of her blog home, has one simple demand:

That Kelly and every single reader of Naked Girl in a Dress remember why they did or should have never tied the knot in the first place.

You may recall that Kelly recently posted her “5 Reasons to Get Married.” Poppycock, say I. As Rowlf the Dog famously sang of the fairer sex, “Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can’t Live Without ‘Em.” Rowlf’s gravelly-voiced counterpart Tom Waits sang “Better Off Without a Wife.” If the combined wisdom of these two paradigms of modern relationship advice can not persuade you, well, you may be certifiable. However, in the fervent hope of awakening whatever small shred of a soul you may still have, I present to you my 5 Utterly Unassailable and Completely Correct Reasons to Never Ever Get Married. Ever. For Realsies.

Reason the First: Pants.

Single life is a pantsless land of bliss and dreams. Need to pee? No need to put those pants back on after, soldier! Just prance on out of that lavatory and back into your butt-groove for the rest of that Battlestar Galactica marathon. It’s no-pants day, every day! Get married, though, and suddenly you are in a constrictive world of below-the-waist confinement. That pleasant breeze you have become accustomed to gently wafting through your thighs? It becomes nothing but a memory of freedom and a reminder of your poor decision making. Back when I was married, I was actually asked if I was coming to bed without pants, disappointment and regret in the eyes of my ex-wife. No, apparently I was never going to bed without pants again.

Reason the Second: In-Laws.

No matter how awesome the parent of your partner may seem before that long walk down the aisle, that evil glint in their eye as they hand the fruit of their loins off to you is not a trick of the light. It is pure malice spilling out. In it, the realization of all slights, real or imagined, past, present, and future is kindled. Thought you were going to carve your own turkey for Thanksgiving? Think again. For that matter, think you were ever spending Thanksgiving with your own family ever again? Nope. Say goodbye to mom’s famous giblet gravy, you’ve swallowed your last globular drop. It’s your partner’s Grandma Bessie’s weird sour cream and cheez-wiz shredded potato casserole from now on. With NO GRAVY.

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