I have been quiet on my blog lately, but feel it’s time to write again. There are many things I would like to write about, but I have this big elephant sitting across the desk from me right now. She’s taunting me as I try to write about parenting, happiness, or anything else that comes to mind.
The elephant is cackling as only imaginary elephants can, while pointing at me with her trunk. She knows what I should be writing about and she won’t leave my office until I succumb to her. I need to exorcise her from this office so I will capitulate to the taunting. Maybe she’s right, though. Ripping the bandage off quickly, baring myself here, it might help.
The Boyfriend and I broke up.
I love him, I am in pain, but in processing it and being honest with myself, I know it is for the best. It could be seen as a positive or negative quality, but I never work out an exit strategy in a relationship. Things will begin to niggle at me, worrying about red flags raised in a relationship. Instead of taking time to step back and evaluate, I put my energy into figuring out how to bring the flags down the pole. I also tend to not follow my own advice, like reading my well-thought-out list often and not compromising on the more important items listed. This time I chose to ignore several significant incompatibilities with my list because I loved him.
It’s also hard to love someone yet know not all the pieces to the puzzle will ever fit into place. I was trying to reconcile with that thought and simply accept status quo. But when you love someone, you naturally want more. It was never going to progress into something deeper and more significant.
Knowing these things doesn’t make the loss hurt less though.
Thankfully there has been a constant stream of texts, emails, calls, offers to see a movie, grab a cup of coffee, go out to lunch, meet up for dinner, just sit and wipe my tears, and more. These loved ones have understood when I have said I would rather be alone with my tears or that I can’t eat right now. When I have had an appetite or wanted to talk, there has been company. While one love has left my life, it has reminded me that I am loved by many.
My real-life friends are always here, but so are my “virtual” friends–those I know through writing online. I have had a barrage of love and support from this group with the most recent coming from a long time reader, fellow S30P member, and friend. He sent the loveliest email to me this morning that lifted my spirits.
I am sad, but also know these three things to be true:
- The sun is still shining.
- My heart will heal.
- I will love again.