At some point in the separation and divorce process I started to search for answers. Not about the past, but about my future. I wanted to feel ready and capable to be in a loving relationship. I wasn’t sure I would remarry or that I would find a partner to spend the rest of my life with, but whatever relationship I found myself in, I wanted it to be an enriching experience.

I read blogs of people who were ahead of me in the process and I read a lot of books. As a result of the reading, I found a lot of nuggets of wisdom to guide me. In all that I read, the book to make the biggest impact on my life is a slim book (104 pages) with simple principles which was written by a Buddhist monk. The book is called True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart

This book has remained on my nightstand for three years and is referenced often when in and in between relationships. Revisiting the content reminds me of what any loving relationship needs to have present to be successful as well as helping me maintain a state of mindfulness in my daily life.

“Understanding is the essence of love.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

This simple statement is also a powerful one; understanding guides the ability to be successful in the four elements of love: loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and freedom. It is not about the desire to bring about these four elements, but to actually be able to, which is why understanding is the essence of love.

There are wonderful stories in the book to make a more compelling impression on the reader regarding the elements of love as well as an explanation of each element. In all the extensive reading I have done, these simple elements resonate the most for me; they have made a lasting impression. I have not found anything as simple and accurate to define how to love and be loved by another.

“Before you can love another you must first love yourself.”

That is something that is said often and, in my opinion, is true. Work on yourself, heal, and learn to be at peace. Once that is accomplished, a person will be ready to receive another in his/her life. True Love encompasses how to work towards that process as well as the journey towards inner peace. There are sections on restoring peace within yourself, caring for our pain, reconciliation, and coming to life again.

There is a powerful story on misperceptions and how, if communication breaks down, a love relationship as well as a family can be destroyed. It is a testament to asking questions in a relationship. Seeking clarity instead of ignoring an issue will ensure misperceptions won’t destroy a loving relationship.

The section on mindfulness will help with daily living; how to have a more peaceful, intention-based life. I re-read this section often to remind myself when I find I am getting too busy and need to slow down to experience life more fully.

This small book made the greatest impact on me in the last four years of reading about healing, self-discovery, and love. It is a wonderful book to read and re-read often.

During the Love & Relationship series these first two weeks in February, it could not be a better time to share this book. I hope Thich Nhat Hanh’s words can help you in one or many areas of your life.

(Affiliate links)

Opposites attract.

Everyone has heard the saying, but is it true? Some experts say it isn’t accurate if looking for a successful, long-term relationship.*

I agree.

There can be an initial excitement when meeting someone with different life experiences, interests, and beliefs, but after the curiosity has waned, what is left? I don’t believe, from my own experience, it is sustainable for a lasting relationship.

Recently I wrote about winning a million dollars. I posed the same question to The Boyfriend, wondering if our answers would align. They did. Perfectly in fact. Very little would change in his life and, as he put it, “I would return to work on Monday.” I sat back in my seat, breathed a little easier, and relaxed. Of course he would give me this answer. We are compatible in so many ways and it is one of the many reasons the relationship works so well. He’s actually the most compatible man I have dated, with our few differences being complementary to the other.

Opposites can initially attract.

But compatibility lasts.

I hope to prove the latter statement to be true.

For Song of the Week I am sharing Ingrid Michaelson’s song “You and I.” This isn’t the official video. I think it is an adorable video for this great song, which ties in with the idea of what to do with a million dollars.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdEN1b-dwlw

Happy Friday!

Image credit

*Source

Starting to date after a marriage has ended can be difficult. I often hear, “I never thought I would be doing this again.” After spending most of my adult life with the same man, I was not prepared for dating at 39 either. Regardless of whether meeting someone new involves sitting on a barstool, through a social club, speed dating, or the internet, it should all start with the same thing: knowing what someone wants in a partner.

The following advice was learned the hard way; I started dating before having a clearly-defined idea of what I wanted in a partner and, as a result, ended up in a relationship with a man who was wrong for me. My first dating experience post-separation would not have happened (or would have ended quickly) if I followed the advice I give now.

The best advice I could give to someone starting to date:

• Create a list of the qualities you are looking for in a partner before starting to date.
• Read it often.
• Edit the list after each relationship.
• Don’t compromise.

I also broke each of these rules in the last year. I would get involved and forget to revisit my list. I would fail to edit the list after a break up. I also tucked away incompatibility issues, ignoring the obvious, because a guy was fun on a date or because someone was nice and I should try to like him more. Each time I went against my own advice, it was a mistake.

Conversely, whenever I followed this simple advice, it was a success. I had a lot of first-and-only dates, quickly assessing a man and knowing there was no chance we would be a good fit. I was also able to end relationships fairly quickly after learning more about him, realizing it could not progress further.

A year later, my list looks different than it did after publishing my first version, but still has many items from a year ago.

Here’s my current list:

1. Happy and fulfilled in his own life.
2. Loyal and honest.
3. Laughs often, with a great sense of humor.
4. Kind, encouraging, and thoughtful.
5. A great communicator.
6. Not emotionally tied to ex-wife (still battling her and/or living in the past).
7. Confident and secure with himself.
8. A great father.
9. Smart and successful (not in a monetary sense, but has a life purpose and enjoys his career).
10. Maintains good relationships with family, friends, and his children.
11. Is already divorced.*
12. Loves baseball.*
13. Accepts who I am unconditionally.*
14. Exercises regularly and has healthy habits.*

* New additions over the last year.

Of the new items on the list, I have unapologetically added ‘loves baseball.’ I wanted to add it to the list originally, but felt that was crazy and close-minded of me. After dating some who did not enjoy baseball, I learned something essential:

Nothing on the list is crazy if it is important to me.

Do you or have you had a list?

How has it worked for you?

With Valentine’s Day 15 days away, I have decided to have a Love & Relationship series for the next two weeks. At the beginning of February last year I opened up my blog focus to include relationships, starting the topic expansion off with a similar series.

It will be interesting for me to write on the topic next month, comparing it to my thoughts a year ago. I was in a relationship with someone who was not a good match for me on many levels. I was several months out of a destructive relationship and was still healing from that experience. I had been separated for over two years and was awaiting my court date to finalize the divorce. I was in a very different place emotionally than I am right now.

My Thoughts a Year Ago

• I had a list of qualities I was looking for in a man. It was a good exercise, which continued to be edited in the last year.
• I opined on the thought of remarriage.
• I wrote about successful relationships I see around me.
• I wrote I wasn’t sure love was forever on Valentine’s Day, which led to a 24 hour breakup with the guy who ultimately wasn’t a good match anyway. We really shouldn’t have put it back together, but it ended again, permanently, one week later.

This year I will write about my thoughts on Love & Relationships with another year of dating experience post-separation (and now divorce). I am not an expert, just someone who is an observer of my own feelings and the world around me.  Come visit to agree or vehemently disagree; both will be welcome. Share your insight, offer up words of encouragement, and join the dialog.

Wednesday the 1st starts the 14 day series. I hope you will be here to read and share your thoughts. There will be Love & Relationship book reviews, my thoughts on relationships a year later, a guest writer, a relationship blog review, and more.

And, what I know this time around, is that I am with a man who won’t whine about my thoughts on my blog, but embrace this is who I am and where I am in my life at this moment. His feelings will remain the same regardless of what I write.

For that reason, I am off to a good start in this relationship series and in my life.

Photo credit (1) (2)

Some weeks the wrap-up ties together beautifully; a theme emerges as I write. I love when that happens; this wasn’t one of those weeks though. I have been staring at the screen, wondering how these random wrap-up sections tie together. Here’s my idea about writing: if you stare at the screen long enough, it will come.

I have been staring a really long time and the theme still isn’t coming to me. Since The Boyfriend and I are going to a 2:50 movie, I can’t wait any longer. I give in and will share random nonsense instead. So, here’s totally unrelated, useless information about my weekend and a wrap-up without a theme:

• The Boyfriend and I tried a pizza restaurant (that is all they serve) this weekend. There was a big build-up to going because they serve gluten-free pizza. I will not eat cardboard masquerading as pizza so, sadly, pizza isn’t something I eat often. This was delicious pizza and the crust was excellent.
• We ran on the National Mall where we saw a huge group of Japanese tourists crouched down photographing a single squirrel. And they were trying to coax the squirrel to pose. You would have thought they saw a zebra walking down Constitution Avenue; they were that excited.
• The highlight to each kid-free weekend is my time with The Boyfriend. We have fun doing anything and also nothing together.

So, to wrap up the highlights of the weekend, there was time with The Boyfriend, gluten-free pizza, and Japanese tourists trying to get a squirrel to pose. Possibly boring to you, but it was a weekend that made me really happy. It was perfect.

And in other wrap-up news…

A Wrap-Up of My Writing This Week

This week on Write on Edge I shared a post from a year ago about the challenges of being a blogger and dating. When is it the right time to share the news that you blog? You can read the post to discover how I was handling the situation a year ago.

The Boyfriend and I discussed this topic yesterday, reflecting on how I handled my blog with him; on our second date I shared the news. Instead of encouraging him to read, though, I pleaded with him to refrain from reading it. A very different tactic from how I have handled this topic in the last year.

The reason is simple.

I knew immediately that this was going to be a different experience than any man that had come before him. I didn’t want my blog to get in the way of knowing each other the old fashioned way: through personal interaction. Three months later, he still doesn’t read it. He asks what I am writing about, why I am writing a particular piece, and how it is received by my readers. He is involved, just not online. His thought is that it is more interesting, hearing from me and having a discussion. It’s working for us.

My Favorite Reading This Week

Chrysta from LiveLoveWork has a wonderful post on patience. Since this is one of my three words to be mindful of in 2012, the post was helpful for me. After reading this piece of Chrysta’s, peruse her site and get to know her. She has a positive message to share and I love the concept of her blog.

My Internet Escapades This Week

I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, and StumbleUpon. I also participate in smaller social media sites like Studio30 Plus, which is narrow in focus for the community (writers over 30).

So why would I add another social media site?

Because two incredible women started it, it’s professional, and it is the perfect place for me to connect with other working mothers. In the few days Launching Mom has been live, I have been impressed with the site itself, the other women choosing to be a part of the community, and the promotion of it. Come join me on Launching Mom. I think you will also be impressed.

On a run recently my mind was racing with ideas. The mind-racing thing actually happens whenever I am not sleeping. Just so you know. Oh, and sometimes my mouth and mind are racing. And somehow I have friends, a family that speaks to me, and a boyfriend. I don’t drive everyone crazy with this trait.

Back to the story of my run…

I had spent a few hours writing before the run. While running, I thought of two more post ideas and wanted nothing more than to come home and write for a few more hours. But laundry and a few other things were waiting for me. Then the idea struck me:

If I won one million dollars I could write all day!

I could write on my blog, guest post more often, launch two other sites I have planned, write the two books in my head, and work on a big photography project that I desperately want to start. It would be great to dedicate my time to these creative endeavors, but things get in the way of what I really want to do. Laundry, cleaning bathrooms, and picking up Lego pieces are a few examples of what is time-consuming in my home on a regular basis.

During the remaining run time I worked out what I would do if I won one million dollars.

Here’s what would stay the same:

• The house I live in.
• The car I drive.
• My circle of friends.
• My boyfriend.
• The work I do.

Here’s what I would change/do:

• Pay my girlfriend’s legal bill.
• Hire a cleaning service for 2 times a week (then I wouldn’t have to do laundry!).
• Buy an iPad for my sisters and me.
• Hire an Apple consultant to teach my youngest sister what it is and how to use it.
• Make sure my passport had a new stamp each year.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_2KnNCSCPo

Happy Friday!

I meet so many people through my blog and social media. Many I consider friends without ever having met them. Alycia Neighbours is one of those people. She’s someone I know it would be fun to grab a cup of coffee with and spend the morning talking. Alycia is the type of person you feel grateful for knowing, whether it is in person or though the internet.

I love so many things about Alycia. I love her grace and strength in the face of adversity. I love her writing. I love her humor. I love her lack of cleaning skills (inside joke). I love how she has redefined her life.

What I love most is that Alycia is a Naked Girl in a Dress.

I was so excited, but surprised Alycia accepted my request to guest write for me. She has had a significant change in her life this month. To find out what I am referencing, go visit her blog. You can also find her on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+. But before you leave my site, stay to read what she has written here. As usual, it’s a beautiful piece from the lovely and talented Alycia.

~~~~~~~~

“Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

…said NO woman ever lying in bed surrounded by crumpled Kleenex, empty chocolate wrappers, watching “The Notebook” on loop, crying on the phone with their mom and their best friend waiting on hold.

All the fluffy cotton candy sentiments that we pass around like an offering plate when there has been a heart broken, is just that; fluffy with a lack of substance.

Regardless of how you lost love and how long you had love; it hurts and cuts deep. Cotton candy sentiments aren’t going to cut it. Although cotton candy flavored ice cream isn’t a bad way to go. It doesn’t hold a candy candle to some Rocky Road goodness…I digress.

When I lost love this last time, it was like trying to hold water in my hands. I could see it slipping away. Drip by painful drip. It began with simple cutting remarks, flowed inside physical abuse and rage uncontrolled in the suicide of my spouse. The actual love died a long time before he did, but the hope for love would not dim until his life was extinguished.

I’ve come to believe inside my healing that it wasn’t the loss of love that hurt so incredibly bad; it was the loss of hope. The hope that I was good enough. The hope that I was worth loving. The hope that I was worth living for. The pain was so intense for that rejection, that I swore I would never love again. More accurately, I would never hope again.

I started to spend a lot of time with myself and realized that over time, I had believed what he had displayed. I wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t good enough. I had fallen out of love with myself. I believed I didn’t deserve better. I believed he was right. It wasn’t worth hoping for.

I was that broken woman in bed with her ice cream and I had lost hope and love.

Luckily I had a great support team on the line and willing to help me begin loving myself through their eyes. They showed me what was inside me that was worth falling in love with and I began to hope again. I fell in love. Deep in love with myself.

Loving myself allowed the hope to begin to ignite again. Loving myself permitted another love to find me.

I recently walked down the aisle with my new love. Able to love strongly, fully and with wild abandon. I owe that to the fact that I loved myself before he ever did. I knew I was worth his best. I knew I would accept nothing less. When he showed me that he believed all the same things, I said “I do.”

“Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Sometimes that might be true, especially when that loss shows you that you didn’t really lose and opens you up to learning, trusting and hoping in a more deeper love.

I know you are surprised but this is not me.

Peering down from the top of an indoor climbing wall on Sunday, my belayer continued to repeat she was prepared for me to descend. It was good to know, but I wasn’t ready. As I clung to the top, I had a moment of contemplation. This really wasn’t the appropriate time for self-reflection, but these moments often strike at inopportune times. Ignoring the calls below, I remained at the top of the wall and thought about how I was feeling.

Do I have a trust issue?

Is this related to my strong independence?

Why can’t I release the wall?

What is wrong with me?

Looking around, I realized the other students in the rock climbing class were happily releasing from the wall, as if they had no concerns about falling to their death. None of them were worried their belayer wasn’t doing his job.

The belayer on the ground had just learned to belay in the class we were taking. Maybe that was part of my hesitation. But then I thought back two years to a day I went climbing with the kids. It was a different facility and staff handled all the belaying. Even in that situation I remember telling the guy I climbed up by myself and I planned to climb my way down. He explained that it was a lot more work and not typical, but didn’t give me a hard time about my odd choice of descent.

I went to lunch with The Boyfriend the day after the rock climbing adventure. I decided to tell him the news from all this self-reflection on Sunday.

While he was happily munching on pizza, unaware of what was coming next, I said, “I have trust issues.”

The Boyfriend asked, “Where is this coming from?”

As I explained all of this to him, he started to laugh. He opined my issue wasn’t trust, as he believes I am overly trusting at times. “It’s that damn independent streak of yours,” he stated. “And your stubbornness,” he added.

Being a single mom has forced me to loosen up a bit and allow other to help. The Boyfriend is right though; independence and stubbornness can still get the best of me. While I don’t have self-improvement type New Year’s resolutions for 2012, this is something to be mindful of in 2012. It would be nice to let go more and allow people to help when they ask. Or, better yet, even ask for help myself.

Do you have a difficult time asking for help?

How do you overcome this?

Image Source 

Whenever I write about the good relationship I have with my ex, I receive praise from readers and my social media followers. People comment on my blog about their frustration of not having the same. Many ask how they can get to a good place with their ex as well. I appreciate the praise and understand the aggravation these people experience, but it takes two people to be successful in any relationship. My ex deserves equal credit in the state of our relationship.

For those who are geniunely making an effort and are not successful in redefining a relationship with an ex, I have some important advice:

• You can’t control another individual.
• Be at peace with the effort you continue to make.
• Conduct yourself in a way you can be proud of.
• Emotionally detach to reduce his/her affect on you.
• Focus on what you can control.

I wish I had magic fairy dust to make an angry ex change. I could distribute to those in hostile relationships with their former spouses, but I don’t have any special powder to share. Hopefully if you follow the advice your ex will eventually make the changes necessary to repair the damage between the two of you. It is possible.

Since you can’t force a positive outcome with your ex, try embracing the negative experience and the unsuccessful relationship; something good can come out of it. For example:

• You know what traits to look for in a partner.
• You probably won’t find yourself in a similar situation, whether it is dating or marriage, again.
• While there is strife between the two of you, you are happier than you were married to him/her (an educated guess).

Image Source

Longtime readers know I have a blogging crush on Darren Rowse. I have written about this several times, with the first mention of my obsession interest in Darren only one month into blogging. He has tweeted twice about reading my blog, which of course were great blogging moments for me (let’s not talk about the subsequent restraining orders issued). This interest in Darren has not waned, but I have big news.

I have a new crush.

His name is Julian Smith and he has a blog called In Over Your Head. Just as I have ignored Darren is married and lives in Australia, I am not focusing on the fact that Julian is too young for me; I don’t know his relationship status; and have no idea where he lives.

I have learned from my Darren experience* and will approach this blogging crush differently. More on this as things develop, but today I start with sharing one of my favorite reads, not just this week, but in quite some time (see below).

Juggling Darren, Julian, and The Boyfriend might get hectic, but I am resourceful and creative. I am sure this will work out just fine.

*Darren update: both restraining orders have been lifted. I am free to stalk communicate with him again.

A Wrap-Up of My Writing This Week

On Martin Luther King Day I wrote a piece for Borderless News & Views. “I Have a Dream” isn’t Dr. King’s dream, but my own that I have for this great nation. What I am witnessing from both political parties this election year is disheartening, which sparked this post.

For Write on Edge, an online writing group, I shared a piece I wrote last year. “Making Room for Something to Grow and Bloom” was about self-reflection and growth following separation and, ultimately, divorce.

My Favorite Reading This Week

Julian Smith from In Over Your Head is a site you must visit today. My favorite read this week is his piece “100 Tips on Life, People, and Happiness.” I loved this post actually, returning several times this week to re-read. What awaits me on my return, though, is a new post to discover while I am there as well. Julian is consistently a great read. He also happens to have the coolest blog design.

Maybe I am just into reading lists this week, but I also enjoyed reading “101 Simple Truths We Often Forget” on the site Marc and Angel Hack Life. This list will inspire you as well.

Enough from me. Go follow these links.

Happy Reading!

Image Credit