The Anatomy of Pantlessness

July 20, 2011

in Guests

This week’s guest writer is David Kaa of The Manwife Chronicles. Why does he call himself the manwife? Because he has been unemployed and home taking care of his kids so long that he says he is now growing a uterus. His tales of domestic life are funny as is his video series of his daughter explaining to a prospective employer why she should hire her dad. David’s latest post is about meth being easier to buy than Sudafed and his children running around pantless in CVS. David is pee-in-your-pants funny. After you read his guest post, please go to his blog and read more from The Manwife.


A pantless David Kaa

When you’re unemployed pants are like days of the week – meaningless. That and you just can’t get pants with the crotch room like you used to, which is apparently an important measurement. All I remember as a kid is standing outside the dressing room with my mom checking the crotch space.

“Let’s see how if there is enough room in the crotch?”

I’m standing there like … eight years old. She’ll be tugging away on the crotch of the pants for what seems like 30 minutes.

“I don’t think these have enough room.”

Which only leads to more tugging. We tug the right side, the left side and then the famous two-handed pull. How big is my crotch that this is that much of an issue, and why does it feel like my entire third grade class is in this store staring?

Apparently, I have a wide-set crotch, which probably explains why I wore a lot of sweats to school. That’s another sure-fire way to ensure your son doesn’t date until 40.

One minute you’re learning long division, the next something is happening in your pants. You’re not quite sure what, but you won’t be able to get up from behind this desk for the next half-hour. Forget floor hockey in gym class. But you don’t have a choice … because you’re in the THIRD GRADE.

At some point you’re going to have to get up. And everyone is going to point and laugh. Then again, they would laugh anyway. There is just no good way to pull off sweats. They always bulge in the front. So, either way, kids are pointing at your crotch and laughing.

It’s all very traumatic. That’s why I have used my unemployment as an opportunity, creating pantless awareness. There should be a walk-a-thon or something. Besides, if you’re stuck at home all day cleaning, pants just create unnecessary laundry, which is the best argument for nudist colonies.

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Vinny C July 20, 2011 at 8:34 am

I’m in complete agreement. I haven’t been unemployed long enough to fall into the category of “manwife” just yet, but the way things are going (and by that I mean I haven’t been able to find anything yet) I may join in those ranks soon enough.

Oilfield Trash July 20, 2011 at 10:49 am

This was a great guest post.

This line right here made me snort and laugh, “Because he has been unemployed and home taking care of his kids so long that he says he is now growing a uterus.”
Oilfield Trash recently posted..He’s A Chip Off Of The Block As WellMy Profile

Jenn July 20, 2011 at 12:59 pm

You know what else is meaningless when you’re unemployed? Bras.
Jenn recently posted..52 Weeks of Romance…My Profile

David Kaa July 20, 2011 at 7:40 pm

You know what else you don’t need when you’re unemployed? – self-esteem.

Classic NYer July 22, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Oh, Amen sister!
Classic NYer recently posted..On deep summer afternoon thoughtsMy Profile

Jonah Gibson July 21, 2011 at 8:28 am

Oh, man!! Do I get this or what. I’m coming up on three years without a job. Been wearing the same outfit for 6 months now. Not just sweats either, but sweat shorts. Plenty of room for the crotchal parts, but not enough it seems for the bitterness.
Jonah Gibson recently posted..The Mother Lode of Righteousness SatisfiedMy Profile

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