Finding that ‘Alone’ Time

September 6, 2012

in Naked Girl Has Guests, Relationships

Suburbia Interrupted There are a lot of ways I discover a blogger to read and follow. It could be through a post link being tweeted, a Facebook post, or from another writer’s blogroll. Today’s guest writer, however, I discovered from a pair of shoes. Not just any shoes; a kick-ass pair of shoes with a sassy chick wearing them. Checking out the newest members on Studio30 Plus, the image to the left, Dani’s profile picture, made me pause. And maybe drool a little. It was inevitable I would find my way to her blog, Suburbia Interrupted, which, like the shoes, led to me falling in love. Dani is smart, fun, sassy, honest, and funny. I was thrilled she accepted my invitation to guest write for Naked Girl in a Dress today.

After you read about sex and donuts here, go read more of Dani on her blog, follow her on Twitter, and friend her at Studio30 Plus. You will fall in love too. With more than the shoes, that is.

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Between raising five kids (from a kindergartener up to 7th graders), sports practices and games, cooking, cleaning, homework, errands, boo-boo kissing, mediator, laundry savant, and whatever else life throws at me on a daily basis, getting alone time with The Big Guy is sometimes hard.  Who am I kidding…it is hard.  Somehow, we make it work.

I hate hearing my friends talk about their failing marriages and sexless days, which turn into months, which inevitably turns into years.  And we all know that the viscous circle continues, hence the failing marriages.  Listen, I have been divorced.  I know how crappy some marriages can be.  I am lucky enough to have tested out the marriage thing the first time, worked out all my kinks after I kicked the ex to the curb and found my handsome prince (this time a keeper).  I will let you in on a little secret:  the second time around is still hard work, even though the circumstances and level of love and trust are in a whole other universe.  Add in kids, life and every thing else and alone time doesn’t just happen.  You have to make it happen, adapting that special time to whenever those few alone time minutes occur.

The Big Guy and I have one mantra that we live by, which is, we refuse to become our friends.  We enjoy being around each other.  We enjoy our date nights.  We enjoy having sex.  We enjoy us.  Somehow, as the years have gone by, we have managed to not only enjoy us, but grow and evolve into a better us.  The key?  We don’t make excuses.  If a quickie in the bathroom is all we are going to get that day, then quickie it is.  If we can’t go out for a date night, we get the kids situated and happy in their rooms and we have date night on the couch and catch up on the television we have recorded.  We never let the stress and chaos of life become an excuse.

This past weekend, I had it all planned out in my head that come Sunday morning, neither me nor The Big Guy would get out of bed before some between the sheets action occurred.  The kids are all old enough now that they can get themselves a drink if they need one.  They can get themselves a Pop Tart or bowl of cereal if they are hungry and one of us isn’t up yet.  Perfect plan…

A few months ago I had baby fever (yes people with five kids can still get baby fever).  That fever quickly ended once I remembered that baby fever would lead to nursing around the clock, sleepless nights, someone once again needing me 24 hours a day.  My kids are all to the point where they are independent enough to not need me quite so much.  I will never again let that baby fever get a hold of me.   What was I even thinking? 

Sunday morning rolled around, thanks in part to the way the universe operates and the fact that I forgot to turn off my 5:30AM alarm.  Once that alarm goes off, I am done with sleep.  So I laid there in bed, messing around on my phone, biding time until I could wake The Big Guy up, which at this point could become tricky.  If the kids heard the alarm, they might come in the room.  If I wake The Big Guy up too early, I would feel bad that he didn’t get to sleep in.  So I decided to lay there because the slightest noise would signal the kids.  And if the kids came into the room, no between the sheets action was going to occur.

Around 8:15, my phone starts ringing.  Of course my mother would be calling me this early.  I let it go to voicemail.  Five minutes later, laser blasters are being shot, kids are running around the house like freaking lunatics, The Big Guy is up and sex has been taken off the menu.  I was pissed.  And then the strangest thing happened.

“I’m running to the store.  I will be right back.” The Big Guy said to me.

He never just goes to the store.  He returned with Dunkin Donuts for the kids, bagel sandwiches from our favorite local bagel shop and one million awesome spouse points in his column.  He put a towel down on the floor and let the little kids eat in the family room (something they rarely get to do) and climbed back in bed with me so we could cuddle, eat and in the end, get some between the sheets action.  My Sunday plan wasn’t ruined.  Instead, we just adjusted to the situation.

And that is how we live our life.  We live, we plan, we adjust, we stay us.  Relationships are never easy, all the time.  They take work, they take time, and they take the ability to wing it if something doesn’t go as planned.

So go plan some alone time or a date night…And remember to have an available couch or bathroom if the alone time or date night turns into just a few free minutes.


{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Danielle September 6, 2012 at 11:08 am

I love shoes AND this post! =)
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Naked Girl in a Dress September 6, 2012 at 11:17 am

Aren’t the shoes the best? I love Dani for so many reasons, but won’t forget it started with the shoes.

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CubicleViews September 6, 2012 at 11:14 am

I may not have 5 kids (2 here) but I can so relate to this post (at least from the Big Guy’s standpoint). Definitely going to have my wife read this.
After I get donuts and bagels and coffee this weekend.
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Naked Girl in a Dress September 6, 2012 at 11:17 am

Excellent plan, CV!

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Gina September 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

My kids are now away in college (lucky them, fun times!) so now we have all the time in the world. But back when they were young, we’d do something similar because we loved our Sunday mornings. On the breakfast bar, we would set out bowls, spoons, boxes of favorite cereals, pour milk in a small pitcher, and queue up their favorite movie. Explain it fully to the oldest and say have fun in the morning. They felt grown up and didn’t come a knockin’ until around 10. It was awesome! This was great advice for those with young kids and we COMPLETELY agree that you take a quickie whenever it’s available because you never know…
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Charlotte September 6, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Oh, I love this. It’s so awesome to read about couples who make time for each other despite life’s many complications.

MAJOR brownie points to the Big Guy :)
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sue diamond-phillipd September 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I totally love this!! And may be stealing this idea. My kids are such cock blockers!

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Eva September 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Yes, definitely fabulous shoes!

I agree we definitely have to make time to maintain our relationships and it helps when you’re married to your best friend. I guess the problem I always ran into was just being exhausted at the end of the day after work and then after another full-time job of running a household. And I am no morning person.

Maybe I needed a shift in perspective, but my body and brain just couldn’t muster the enthusiasm. And, there’s nothing worse than unenthusiastic sex. So, it wasn’t so much about finding the free time or an intimate location, it was about the exhaustion from all the required activities of life.

My girlfriends and I were just talking about this topic in response to this Harvard Business Review article yesterday. Maintaining a healthy sex life in a marriage/partnership is definitely essential and definitely hard work to make it happen.

http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/09/sex_and_the_working_mom.html

By the way, I disagree where the article says that women don’t feel all that guilty about not spending enough time with kids, but feel guilty about spending time on themselves. That’s just completely false, in my experience.

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alfred lives here September 6, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Have no kids, still totally LOVED this post, and discovered a new blogger to follow… EXCELLENT!
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Alexis September 6, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I think it’s so awesome you still focus on you and major points for making you a priority. Who said just because we’re married with kids we can’t still be in love and act like it? Major Kudos!! Maybe I’ll set my alarm for 5:30 a.m…..nah, that’s just crazy talk.
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Claudia September 7, 2012 at 8:39 am

Nice plan. Like that.
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Adam D. Oglesby September 7, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Man, you need to distribute this on a stone tablet to every couple on earth.

My philosophy exactly. People make up more weak excuses not to have sex. Come on—you don’t need an hour. Heck, you might only need five minutes.

It’s hard to imagine being so tired, so distracted, so not in the mood that you can’t give your mate those few minutes.

If you have anything but the youngest of children—it’s alright to leave them alone for a few minutes. The world won’t automatically end just because the parents are not there to watch them every split second.

That concept can be hard for some over protective parents to grasp.

So often lack of regular sex becomes a contentious topic between mates—the disintegrating foundation around which all kinds of other issues revolves.

The grind of life can be exhausting, trying, and frustrating. If you work a demanding job and/or are struggling with kids and their incessant needs– it may take a monumental effort to make alone time for you and your mate.

But if spending alone time with your mate is that low on the priority scale—hey, don’t worry about it. See, it’s situations like that which practically encourage your mate to start looking for alone time with somebody else.
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Kendra September 8, 2012 at 4:09 am

Great Post. Keep them coming. I feel like i know you. Baby Fever, come over to my house. hehe.

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