Man, I Feel Like a Woman

September 20, 2012

in Naked Girl Has Guests

Cubicle Views

Today’s guest writer’s opening is a how-we-met story. It’s accurate, but I am going to add a little detail. CV from Cubicle Views joined Studio30 Plus. He was excited to dive in, but didn’t know any of the submission guidelines or anything for that matter. Links supposed to go to the site email address were sent directly to me, posted in a comment thread, sent after publication, and more. He kept apologizing, and I kept laughing. It’s now a let-down when he does follow rules. None of this should have been a shock for me because his blog is about misbehaving at work. The guy entertains me with each interaction and every blog post he writes.

While I await his next Weekly Spotlight link via carrier pigeon, read his post here, check out his blog, and stalk him on Twitter (his tweets are funny).

~~~~~~~~~~

I was shocked when Kelly asked me to be a guest writer on her blog Naked Girl In A Dress. I had “met” Kelly via the Studio30+ site many moons ago. I was trying to find my way around the site, being new and all, and contacted her with some questions…ok probably a dozen plus. As I’m far from a professional here, I tended to get some most of the processes they had in place at Studio30+ wrong. OK, so in reality for the most part I pretty much ignored them. This led to her labeling me as the “Rule Breaker”. She said, it was funny, but I really think she was more annoyed with me then she let on. So, when she asked me to post on her own site, I was both honored and freaked out about what I’d write. See, I tend to write about the happenings in cube-land, aka my office. That didn’t really seem appropriate for a site entitled Naked Girl In A Dress.

But, then it hit me…

********

A little while back, I’m in the cube-farm known as my office and I see Cubicle George, our company’s resident blowhard, wandering around in his own special version of Mom Jeans, company polo shirt tucked in firmly, and I’m assuming the requisite brown belt (although you can’t actually see it).

Look at that gut! That’s no muffin top, that’s like a full Dunkin Donuts store top. I never want to get like that.

Later that night I was talking to Mrs. CV, telling her about how most of the over-40 men at work have a body shape more like Homer Simpson than Ryan Gosling and how I never want to look like Homer. She says, “Well, it is natural for middle-aged men who spend virtually all day sitting to get out of shape and it usually starts with the gut.”

********

 

The next morning, I walked past our mirrored double closet doors, sans shirt, and caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye.

Whoa there…wait a minute. Is that my belly creeping out over my shorts?

Nah, couldn’t be. Must be my poor posture.

<A couple manly chest-pump, stomach-suck-in poses later>

Shit, I’m getting a gut!

 “Honey, come here!”

<Standing in front of the mirror> “Does it look like I’m getting fat?”

Mrs. CV – “You are not fat. You look good for a normal middle-aged guy.”

“Wait, normal?! Normal in my office is pear shaped. I do not want to get like that!”

Mrs. CV – “Well do something about it then.”

 ********

Later that evening I got a text from Mrs. CV – “Can you stop and get some lettuce, milk and ice cream from the store on your way home?”

“Yes dear.”

While at the store, I pass by the magazine section, see a Men’s Health and start thumbing through it. Page after page of guys who look like this:

 And, this:

 

Gazing down at my stomach.

I’ve gotta do something about this. I’m supposed to look like these guys. There’s no way I’m getting that ice cream.

After going through the checkout line with my milk, lettuce, Men’s Health and Men’s Fitness magazines and NO ICE CREAM I head home.

Later that evening, while watching TV, drinking a “light” beer (gotta start somewhere) and flipping through the channels…

Hot guy on TV. Young dude in rocking shape with super hot chick. Wait, what’s this?

 Hmmm, hey it’s that Shawn T guy and his Insanity workout.

Those guys (and gals) are in awesome shape. This is like that XP70 thingie huh? I could do this!

10 minutes of watching the infomercial later…

There’s no friggin way I could do this.

<Sigh>

 A few hundred channels later, I come across an ad for one of Jillian Michaels’ workouts.

Hey there, how you doin? She’s hot! And, she has abs…nice abs! Hmmm, I could do this workout. And, since she’s hot, that will keep me motivated to keep doing her workouts.

********

 A weekish later, I’m with the missus at the mall and, like usual, it’s packed with all kinds of humanity. We’re on a mission to get me some hip, younger looking clothes that hide the flab accent my physique. I need to improve my look along with my soon-to-be new hot looking body.

Mrs. CV – “Let’s go over to The Gap for you.”

 “No way, don’t you remember when kidlet #2 said The Gap was for old people? We need something younger.”

Wandering around the mall looking for “younger” stores, I see lots of print ads in the shops like this one from Polo.

<Sigh, men stores selling clothes with pictures of guys wearing no clothes. Using their bodies as a commodity.>

Me – “Everywhere I look there are these hot, totally in shape, rocking body guys. Plus, he has dog tags so he’s some freaking Seal Team 6 God-like creature. It’s so unrealistic that “real men” could ever look like this. We’re held to such ridiculous standards.”

Mrs. CV – “It’s ok CV, let’s go back to The Gap and get you some nice khakis. I’m sure you’ll be the hottest guy in the cube.”

Me – “Gee thanks, that’s a really low bar.”

You ladies have no idea how hard it is to be man.


{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

my honest answer September 20, 2012 at 9:03 am

Ha ha! I’ve never really thought about men being bombarded with body images too, but now you come to mention it, you really have a point.

I stopped buying the usual magazines years ago, and now only stick to house ones. (I’m probably still lusting after an ideal, but at least it’s one that is achievable and not air-brushed).

I’m sure you look great in those khakis.
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Sue Diamond-Phillips September 20, 2012 at 9:23 am

I am DYING LAUGHING!!! You sound like my husband :) I love this post!!!
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Marie Nicole September 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Do like I do: stop looking in mirrors and throw away the scale. Denial is a true best friend when it comes to muffin tops. I’m not getting too big for my pants, they’re only shrinking in the wash. Maybe if I hung them to dry rather than throwing them in the dryer under such scorching heat i wouldn’t bulge up over them… ツ
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Colleen September 20, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I see what you did there! With the irony…you sly dog! ;)
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CubicleViews September 20, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Kelly thanks for the opportunity to screw with you and your site’s rules. Hey one of the best parts of being new (blogging on your site or in a job) is saying, “Hey, I’m new, I have no friggin clue what I’m doing.” Shame you can’t say that forever.
MHA – I do look absofuckingtabulous (it’s a word…look it up) in those khakis.

Sue DP – I hope you didn’t actually die, because your husband is clearly awesome and it would suck for him. Plus, I’m counting on you reading my stuff more.

Marie Nicole, since you have two first names you must have a dual personality. While I’m sure you are as lean as Jillian, you can always blame the extra on your other self.

Colleen – See what I did? Did what?

Thanks for reading ladies!
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Cathy Summer September 21, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Can’t stop laughing. Thank you for the post.
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Dani September 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

OMG I love this post so much!!! (Yes I am breaking that online rule of using exclamation marks). I am not going to lie. I am thin. Really thin yet I am always complaining to The Big Guy about how I look. (Yes, no matter what size a girl is, she will still bitch about it). The Big Guy is always giving me the look to shut up and tells me all the time to stop it. BUT…I have noticed (and not said anything) that he is always looking at himself in the mirror. Reality is this-none of us are ever going to look like the airbrushed, perfect bodied models in the magazines and ads. I am sure your wife thinks you look great and that is all that matters. :)
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CubicleViews September 23, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Glad you enjoyed. Tell The Big Guy that I feel his pain and he if wants a workout/drinking buddy, I’m here for him.
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