Opposites attract.
Everyone has heard the saying, but is it true? Some experts say it isn’t accurate if looking for a successful, long-term relationship.*
I agree.
There can be an initial excitement when meeting someone with different life experiences, interests, and beliefs, but after the curiosity has waned, what is left? I don’t believe, from my own experience, it is sustainable for a lasting relationship.
Recently I wrote about winning a million dollars. I posed the same question to The Boyfriend, wondering if our answers would align. They did. Perfectly in fact. Very little would change in his life and, as he put it, “I would return to work on Monday.” I sat back in my seat, breathed a little easier, and relaxed. Of course he would give me this answer. We are compatible in so many ways and it is one of the many reasons the relationship works so well. He’s actually the most compatible man I have dated, with our few differences being complementary to the other.
Opposites can initially attract.
But compatibility lasts.
I hope to prove the latter statement to be true.
For Song of the Week I am sharing Ingrid Michaelson’s song “You and I.” This isn’t the official video. I think it is an adorable video for this great song, which ties in with the idea of what to do with a million dollars.
httpv://youtu.be/XdEN1b-dwlw
Happy Friday!
In my marital counseling courses, the instructor said the same thing. The most important things for success are almost identical core values. These similarities greatly reduce the amount of conflict in a relationship.
I have never experienced a relationship like the current one. There is no conflict. I have even said to him that I think we need to have a fight; it’s not normal or at least not the norm for me. We are incredibly compatible and everything–the relationship, making decisions, planning activities–is easy and effortless.
Thanks for sharing this comment!
I have to agree with you on this 100%. A greater amount of compatibility is one of the key ingredients to a long-term relationship.
The relationship I was in before I met my wife was one of those “opposites attract” deals. It was AMAZING at first, but after we got serious, moved in together and the daily routines sank in, it became ever more obvious that it just wasn’t going to work. Our personalities were almost polar opposites – and usually that’s enough to make things bad – but we were also from different countries with very differing sensibilities based upon being raised half a globe apart.
It took two years for us to split. Looking back I’m stunned we even lasted that long.
I had a relationship very similar to yours Eric. It was an intense attraction with differences, but a long-term disaster. I also stayed in way too long. The great thing about staying to long is that it kept me on the course necessary to meet The Boyfriend. I am a huge believer in fate!
Ugh, I am with you here. Opposites attract, seem interesting and full of possibilities but nothing has more staying power than compatibility based on real, important things. My new #1 non-negotiable.
After experiencing a significant compatibility for the first time with a partner (right now), I can’t agree more. I won’t date someone I am not compatible with going forward. And, maybe if I am lucky (and he is also lucky of course), there won’t be a next time and we can just be happily compatible long term.
It has also been my experience that a core compatibility must exist for a successful relationship. We don’t have to have everything in common, and in fact my partner and I are quite different in some ways, but our underlying values and interests are very similar.
The ways in which we are different are negotiable habits and interests. For example, I am very organized and my husband is not. At the end of the day it doesn’t truly matter to either of us if the house is completely organized or a little messy. We each have our preferences, of course, but that particular issue is not important enough to either of us to make a case over it.
We agree, however, on subjects such as gender roles, religion, definition of family, etc.
Your marriage is probably working so successfully for you because you stuck to your list while dating your husband! Differences can definitely exist, but as you pointed out, they can’t be anything you or your partner hold as important for a successful relationship. I also find that complementary differences can be quite helpful.