The Boyfriend is struggling with something right now. The disappointment and sadness was apparent throughout our call last night. It was so difficult to be on the phone and hear the despondency in his voice knowing there was nothing I could do to take the unhappiness away.
Most people recognize they can’t fix the problem when someone is hurting. Not me though. I am used to being a fixer and have found myself in relationships with men who desperately need fixing (that is not a subjective statement). For me to recognize I can’t fix The Boyfriend’s problem is a big step, but an uncomfortable one.
What I am realizing is that I have to sit with the uneasy feeling and let him just be. He needs to feel this, working through the problem on his own. And he is quite capable of doing so without me rushing in with possible solutions.
I am slowly learning that regardless of my efforts to thwart it, this is what happens in life. People I love must fall down, skin their knees, be hurt by others, and more. I can only provide my love, a kind word, a hug, and, when asked for it, a little advice.
I also like Kat Edmonson’s problem-solving idea in the Song of the Week this week:
“Cast your troubles into the sky
They can be the stars in our eyes
We can count them another day
From far away…”
I am learning and growing in this relationship. Most of it is happening because I have a great partner and there is a mutual desire to be successful. As for having The Boyfriend in my life, Kat says it best: “Lucky, lucky me.”
Here’s Kat’s song “Lucky:”
Image Credit
love the post. love the song.
Thanks for the inspiration. I now love Kat.
I understand how hard a transition this is, and it’s one I am just learning in my current relationship also. He is divorced and has two children, and the ex is less-than-amenable where visits and talking to the kids are concerned. When he calls and gets no answer, or is told he cannot make plans, I see the pain in his eyes and I want to erupt with a barrage of revenge- and/or justice-seeking plans. But I know this is not what he needs. He needs me to be quiet, to simply be there, kiss his head, and let him be. And it absolutely burns a hole in my chest and I could bite the tip right off my tongue.
What makes it easier for me is to know that I’m giving him what he asked me for. He asked me not to tell him what I think he should do. He has enough people doing that. He asked me to be silently supportive. So, knowing that I’m doing what he asks, and knowing he’s grateful for that makes it easier.
You described my predicament perfectly. I could have bitten off my tongue last night with my restraint and his unhappiness was unbearable for me. He has asked me not to tell him what to do as well.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. This was helpful for me.
My wife’s a “fixer” too. I always have to remind her that sometimes all she really needs to do is just listen. But, of course, I appreciate her willingness to help. I’m sure he feels the same way.
Thanks for the encouraging words Vinny. He does say he knows it comes from a place of love when I step over that line. It if out of love so glad you recognize that in your wife too.
I married a fixer. And that’s often a good thing. But as you’re starting to realize, it’s always good to stand aside and wait to see if help is needed/wanted.
You seem to be doing very well in this new relationship. I’m happy for you!
I am trying Marie, but it is hard when it is a natural instinct. I am getting better though. I think I am doing well too. I am happy.
Honey you’ll overcome. Just give it a little bit time & play as usual. Everything will be fixed.
Thanks for the beautiful song. I liked that.
-Claudia
Thanks Claudia. I think Kat is incredibly talented with a unique style.
As a born ‘solutions driver’ I find it quite a challenge to sit back and NOT design a project plan to solve a problem. You’re SO right…it’s a matter of growth for us to realise that if people are the capable people we know them to be, they will ask for our advice and solutions. Sometimes, our job is to just be there.
You have an excellent point and that is what I am trying to do: be there for him.
I couldn’t agree more with your idea. Sometimes, we need to let those special people experience hardships so that they will learn and become stronger individuals. There are times that we sometimes think we only want to help, but what we are doing is not to let them experience things for themselves.
Like a mother hen, we should know when to let go.
I agree Alexia. It is hard to let go or to stay out of something when you love someone deeply. I am learning though.
Man… I can’t even fix my own problems, let alone somebody else’s. And yet I keep trying…
Me too!