Writing a first blog post (to me, at least) must be like writing a first sentence in a novel. It is overwhelming to create that starting point, with the options being endless. I have mentally written this post while running, mapped it out on napkins, and written ideas in a writing log. Composing it now, this is not the first post I imagined. My first post is supposed to tell briefly what has transpired in the last two years of my life, which led to starting this blog.
However, as I start this new blog, I am facing a big challenge in my life. Instead of starting my introductory post with happy, positive thoughts and asserting we are all headed for our own personal nirvana, I feel compelled to write this….
In the summer of 2008 I woke up to a day filled with preparing for a triathlon. I was so happy that morning. Then, as life can change in an instant, there was a revelation. I knew the discovery was going to quickly lead to the end of my marriage. It was a heartbreaking, vomit-inducing experience. It would take me 6 months of Lexapro, 10 months of therapy, and 12 months of crying to really feel whole again.
Fast forward to Friday, April 16, 2010.
I woke up to a day filled with preparing for a duathlon. I was happy this particular morning too. Again, in an instant, something upsetting was revealed to me. This time, it was something about the man I am dating.Was it a heartbreaking, vomit-inducing experience? No, it was not. My heart aches, but I don’t think it is broken. However, my faith in him is shaken. I am simply in shock.
Have I not learned yet that life is unpredictable?
This relationship has been a wonderful experience, but also hard work. Some of the work for us has been to reduce the baggage we brought from our previous relationships. As I told him recently, our baggage is packed in matching suitcases, filled with a similar assortment of issues. One thing taking up a lot of room in our bags is the issue of trust. We have both made great progress in building trust within this relationship. For example:
I trusted him to be my partner–to discuss problems and find solutions together.
I trusted him to be honest.
I trusted him to consider not just my feelings, but those of my children.
I trusted him with my heart.
Can we get past where we are right now? I don’t have the answer to the question and I don’t have the solution to the problem. There are two of us in this relationship and it is going to take both of us working together to find a solution. That is really big for me to admit. Really big. Which leads to another issue in my baggage–I am a fixer. Thankfully I am improving and I see the progress more clearly today because of this relationship challenge. I can’t take this on alone and make the problem go away. In fact, a big part of this particular problem we face, I can do very little to solve.
This paragraph you are reading has been written and deleted so many times. It is the fixer in me struggling with the conclusion of this post. I want to insert here that he can battle this demon in his life and win. I also want to insert here that we will do this together, become stronger as a couple, and live happily ever after. I know I can unilaterally map out how we get from here to there because that is a talent I possess. It is taking every bit of willpower I have to not write with certainty about the future or assume I can create a positive outcome alone. I have really learned nothing if I insert a paragraph that is filled with certainty, happiness, and sunshine. I guess this is progress.
Life is unpredictable.
Comments
18 responses to “Life is Unpredictable”
You are a fixer!!! I think that’s why you and I connect on that level! I think as women and mothers we’re doomed to think we can fix every one. That they just need someone patient, hard working enough, and loving enough to fix it. I’ve decided not to fix any more. At this point, I’m hoping that I will move more to acceptance and ask “can i live with this for the duration?” I realized there’s nothing to me that needs fixing…so why give your heart to someone that you know needs fixing? Of course that’s today…ask me again in another year! Hmm… or shall I say another 20 blogs or so?!
What an honest, tough post. You did a great job with it. It is hard, isn’t it, to know where to start, what to say, what not to say?
Visiting from The Red Dress Club today. I look forward to read a lot more from you! (And thanks for visiting me, too – I appreciate your comment!)
What a brilliant first post! And a brave one, too! SO glad you joined us over at The Red Dress Club!
Missy and Cheryl-
Thank you for the kind words. I am so happy to have stumbled upon The Red Dress Club. I look forward to growing as a writer through the experience with the ladies.
What a great way to start a blog. Deeply personal, with a cliche that you give new life to!
Stopping by from the red dress club!
Wow! That is how to write a blog post! I love that it’s so honest and I love that you didn’t map out the ending. It’s nice to have a little suspense/intrigue sometimes. Visiting from the red dress club.
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is to learn to trust again after the end of a marriage. I am proud of you for still trying your hardest. I am proud of the man you are dating for not leaving you for telling your story.
Jess, Jessica Anne, and Lindsey~
Thank you for reading my first post and for your feedback. I am looking forward to getting to know the ladies in The Red Dress Club. I have a feeling we will enjoy getting to know each other while also working to improve our writing skills.
There is such honesty in your writing and I look forward to reading more. Stopping by from the Red Dress Club!
Wow, something so honest and serious as your first post. I’m impressed, and say kudos to you! stopping by from the red dress club.
Thank you for your kind words with my post for reddress.
I’m happy to stop over here, your words are very honest. You love to write, I can tell that.
There’s nothing like it, and nothing else feeds this void like publishing your words.
You are a writer.
coming over from the red dress club! this post intrigues me and i want to learn more about your life. i find it interesting that your writing is reminiscent of the way you describe yourself: to the point and in control. i’m wondering when you write fiction, if your main character’s voice/presence is also evident in your technique. can’t wait to read more!
I’m new to reading your blog and new to the Studio 30+ group, but wanted to read some of the posts that were linked up today. I can absolutely relate to those life-changing moments, though mine usually come during mundane moments, like when I’m putting on my shoes or washing my hair in the shower. Nothing as ambitious as training for a triathalon! :)
Thank you for visiting Colleen and for joining Studio30 Plus!
You are amazing. You will find the ending that best fits.
You will prepare for the next race, like you always do.
You will win, like you always do.
You are amazing.
Thank you Sadie, for the encouraging words. I gave up multi-sport racing a couple of years ago, but am training for my first race now that I am back in the swing of things.
It’s a lifelong process, isn’t it? We spend our lives figuring out who we are and where we’re going, and in the end I bet I’ll end up surprised anyway.
The unknown future used to scare me, but with all I have been through in the last four years, I see it as an adventure.