On How I Abuse My Child

This morning I woke with a sense of both dread and excitement. Excitement for the upcoming date with a great guy this evening.  A guy who is bright, funny, and simply cool. “Cool” not being a word I typically use to describe people, but it suits him perfectly. He is incredibly intelligent, excelling at anything he chooses to study. Thankfully, this week, that would be me; he realized that a great next date for us would be a Nats game. Smart man, right?

I had to temper my enthusiasm though, knowing there was going to be a question I would have to answer: why grandma was staying with the kids tonight. My trepidation was not in sharing I had a date tonight, but rather the activity. Of course, the conversation happened, with me bleary-eyed, before I had finished my cup of coffee this morning.

Monkey: What are you doing tonight, mom?

Me: I have a date.

Monkey: Are you going to NYAJ’s for dinner?

Me: Nope {silently hoping there would not be a follow-up question}

Monkey: Well, where are you going?

Me: {Crap} Um…..a baseball game.

Monkey: Without me? Who are they playing tonight?

Me: Mets? {hoping he won’t care about a Mets game}

Monkey: Oh, MAN!!

I was able to segue easily into breakfast options, hoping the disappointment was in the past. But when AC stopped by this morning, Monkey brought up the game again. “Mom’s going to a baseball game without me tonight.”

AC, without a beat gave Monkey ammunition against me. AC stated, ” I am pretty sure that’s a form of child abuse, Monkey.”

And I call her friend.

At least she didn’t give him the number to Child Protective Services to add to speed dial on his phone. I think.

A song about heroin addiction is the Song of the Week today. The fact I don’t use heroin, or any other illegal drug, is going to be the focus of my legal defense next week with protective services . I plan to state to the authorities, “Hey, at least I am not a heroin addict!” Here’s U2’s “Bad:”

How have you made your kids “suffer” lately?

Let’s commiserate below.