On How I Abuse My Child

Nationals Stadium

This morning I woke with a sense of both dread and excitement. Excitement for the upcoming date with a great guy this evening.  A guy who is bright, funny, and simply cool. “Cool” not being a word I typically use to describe people, but it suits him perfectly. He is incredibly intelligent, excelling at anything he chooses to study. Thankfully, this week, that would be me; he realized that a great next date for us would be a Nats game. Smart man, right?

I had to temper my enthusiasm though, knowing there was going to be a question I would have to answer: why grandma was staying with the kids tonight. My trepidation was not in sharing I had a date tonight, but rather the activity. Of course, the conversation happened, with me bleary-eyed, before I had finished my cup of coffee this morning.

Monkey: What are you doing tonight, mom?

Me: I have a date.

Monkey: Are you going to NYAJ’s for dinner?

Me: Nope {silently hoping there would not be a follow-up question}

Monkey: Well, where are you going?

Me: {Crap} Um…..a baseball game.

Monkey: Without me? Who are they playing tonight?

Me: Mets? {hoping he won’t care about a Mets game}

Monkey: Oh, MAN!!

I was able to segue easily into breakfast options, hoping the disappointment was in the past. But when AC stopped by this morning, Monkey brought up the game again. “Mom’s going to a baseball game without me tonight.”

AC, without a beat gave Monkey ammunition against me. AC stated, ” I am pretty sure that’s a form of child abuse, Monkey.”

And I call her friend.

At least she didn’t give him the number to Child Protective Services to add to speed dial on his phone. I think.

A song about heroin addiction is the Song of the Week today. The fact I don’t use heroin, or any other illegal drug, is going to be the focus of my legal defense next week with protective services . I plan to state to the authorities, “Hey, at least I am not a heroin addict!” Here’s U2’s “Bad:”


How have you made your kids “suffer” lately?

Let’s commiserate below.






17 responses to “On How I Abuse My Child”

  1. Bad Mommy~ But really though, Monkey will be OK, go have fun! :)

    1. Naked Girl in a Dress

      I heard about it through Saturday night!

  2. This blog post needs to be retitled : Evidence

    1. Naked Girl in a Dress

      I bet you would pay for this legal expense too.

  3. It was HORRIBLE. I made my kids go shopping with me for back-to-school clothes! THE HORROR.

    1. Naked Girl in a Dress

      Complete torture! You are a bad mom for that one. :)

  4. i confess! i ate the last brownine right in front of my chocolate crazed son.

    1. Naked Girl in a Dress

      Oh, excellent admission!

  5. Monica

    At least the song gave me some relief!

  6. This past weekend The Big Guy and I took a quick trip up to Atlanta sans kids. We didn’t inform them of the trip until the day before because of the reaction we received : “what, not fair, you guys are mean, why can’t we go, yada yada..” lol

    1. Naked Girl in a Dress

      That’s really funny. I guess it’s good our kids still want to spend time with us.

  7. Awww, I hope you had a great time on your date~sounds like fun! I want to hear all about it :)


    1. Naked Girl in a Dress

      It was fun, Charlotte. Serial dating is working out nicely.

  8. I said no to my 19 YO daughter when she asked me to buy her some trashy black vintage shirts. I had just paid for half of her new clothes the day before. She looked at me and repeated “No?” in a question as if she couldn’t believe I would refuse. Terrible, horrible mommy won’t buy daughter everything she wants!

    1. Naked Girl in a Dress

      Watch out, Lisa. She is probably reporting you to the authorities, too.

  9. Ah, Mom guilt. It comes in so many forms. ;)

    I feel guilty when I do things that I know my daughter would like to do, but I leave her at home. Or, like the commenter above, I eat the last brownie or hide my favorite root beer (I recently moved to Boulder and there is a locally brewed root beer that is oddly addictive). My best friend is really good at knowing that she has to have a self and her own life in order to be a better Mom. Logically, I know this. But there are times, guilt creeps in … sometimes in the oddest situations.

    But as someone wise once told me: Having a self is not the same as being selfish, and being a parent is not about being altruistic.

    Sometimes, it’s my mantra. ; )

    1. Naked Girl in a Dress

      “Having a self is not the same as being selfish, and being a parent is not about being altruistic.”

      What a fantastic reminder. Thanks for visiting and sharing this today!