In the year and a half I have written on this blog I have only written three posts in the category While Perched Upon My Soapbox. It is the one area of writing that is still hard for me to just let the words fly and hit publish.
Today I have to add the fourth rant to this category because something is bothering me. It has been building for days and today the frustration has reached a crescendo.
So here you go; me naked letting my fingers fly (no sexual pun intended):
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1) Naked Chest Shot
The biggest cliche in online dating sites is the bare-chest-in-bathroom-mirror-taken-with-phone shot. Do you think this is unique? That we haven’t seen this shot before? I promise you: it is not creative photography on your part. It won’t help you get dates. We typically laugh and move on. Seriously.
Oh, and even if you take the shot with your shirt on while flexing your bicep, we laugh. Just so you know.
2) Motorcycles
The vast majority of women don’t like motorcycles as much as you do. So showing us your motorcycles isn’t going to do it for us. The same is true of antique cars and the Mercedes you posed in front of in a parking lot, hoping we think it is your car.
3) Cougar Hook-Up
This 42 year old is flattered that so many 20-somethings are interested, but it ends there. You 20-somethings don’t have life experiences at our level yet. Most women in their 40’s want to date men around our age. There is a site specifically for cougar connections. You should be there.
And thank you for letting me know how great you are in bed and what you can do for me, but men my age are also quite successful, sexually-speaking, and we actually have things to talk about when we aren’t having sex.
4) Old Men
Most women in their early 40’s also don’t want to date guys in their 60’s. Go away please. Especially if I have told you more than once that I am not interested. Flaunting wealth doesn’t change my mind.
5) Writing Ability
If you don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re, please ask a friend to proofread your profile before you publish it. I make mistakes writing here and elsewhere, but I never publish something without proofreading. I am picky on this topic, but I don’t have lofty goals with this one; I am not looking for men who use a semicolon correctly. I am, however, looking for a man who takes pride in what he has written and has a basic grasp of spelling and punctuation.
6) Fetishes/Odd Sexual Needs
I am confident there are specialty dating sites for you. You would have much more success there than on mainstream dating sites. I don’t really want to read you want me to dominate you while you clean my house or that you get turned on sexually taking me shoe shopping.
Oh, and the domestic slave wannabe: I wanted to scratch my eyes out after seeing the image of you, horribly out of shape, posing in a tiny thong with a vacuum. I lost sleep over that one.
7) Breast Size
Quid pro quo is only fair, right? If you want to know the size of the bra I wear then I would like to know your size. And since my bra size is easier to determine initially, I require notarized affidavits from at least three women. Bonus if you can also offer up performance references from former lovers too. Bottom line: don’t ask. {I can’t believe grown men have to be told this}
8) No Image
Are you wondering why you aren’t having much success on the site? The easiest way to fix your problem is to add your image. It isn’t that women are only wrapped up in looks. My first thought is to wonder what you have to hide if you can’t add an image. Married is what I think of when I see someone is unwilling to share an image.
9) Money
If you go on ad nauseam about your wealth you are really saying you are not someone of substance–that there is nothing beyond the superficial. Sadly, I do know some women will be impressed and want to date you, but figure out which ones before you start bragging; it is a total turn-off for many of us.
10) Compliments
Thank you for telling me I have pretty eyes. Is that all you have? I wrote a long profile telling you a lot about me and what I am striving for in life. Was there nothing, other than the color of my eyes, that you could comment on? Something as simple as, “Hey, I like golf too!” is a great thing to write. It tells me you read what I wrote and you are thinking of compatibility. This might sound rude and ungrateful for the compliment, but add something to the “nice eyes” email because then you will stand out from the rest.
….stepping away from the soapbox now.
Breathing deeper.
Feeling better.
Thanks for reading my rant.
Happiness and sunshine is guaranteed on Monday.
Now that my blood pressure has dropped dramatically from writing my rant, I can share Song of the Week. I have shared with readers I am addicted to enjoy listening to Pandora. The newest station added to my list is Modern English, which plays lots of great songs from the 80’s. I have been listening to The Cure, Depeche Mode, INXS, New Order, The Smiths and more.
Here’s Depeche Mode’s song “Strangelove.” It seemed fitting. It ties in with the topic today.
Happy Friday!
Comments
14 responses to “10 Tips to Help Men Improve Online Dating Profiles”
Thanks for letting me know. I’m off to delete that old online dating profile now. Can’t believe I forgot about that,
Sorry.
You make me laugh Vinny!
Absolutely wonderful…thank you for writing!
You are welcome. All women who are overwhelmed with gratitude can buy me gift certificates to DSW Shoe (because I am NOT dating shoe fetish guy and I DO love a cute pair of shoes).
Yes, yes, and thank god for you, yes!!! You hit every single one of my pet peeves, with the exception of holding a large fish or using random pics with other people’s kids as bait that would totally make me believe you would be a great dad….
You so completely nailed this entire…..tragedy… that is online dating. If a guy starts a compliment with “your” when it should be “you’re” it’s an automatic fail. A girl has to have standards you know!
Hilarious!
Thanks for the reminder to count my blessing for my happy marriage. I don’t think I’d last one week on the online dating scene.
OMG, girlfriend, this should be posted one the HOME PAGE of Match.com, EHARMONY and any other online dating service. I’ve met a lot of guys (before I was married of course) through places like this and you’re right, they really need to stop being so ridiculous about their ads, I mean I want to know how much $$ they make but I also want to know that they like Law&Order Reruns too…;)
Love you, good luck with the last few days of school
Nice eyes.
Umm…I mean…seriously, guys. Listen to the lady. She preacheth the truth. There is serious sooth spoken here!
I read this last year when you posted it originally, but reading it again today while being immersed in online dating in my life, I laughed out loud.
They’re such dorks, these guys, aren’t they? It’ll be a miracle if I find a good one in the pile somewhere!
Oh. My. Good. Golly.
I have never been to an online dating site and, from this post, it is clear that I never want to go to one. Biceps shots? Bra size? Cavemen…
I loved this line: I am picky on this topic, but I don’t have lofty goals with this one; I am not looking for men who use a semicolon correctly.
It’s funny. And scary. Well, and sad too. But somehow it’s the world of dating in 2012.
I have heard so many hysterical online dating stories it takes me a moment to remember people actually do this to find love and not just to get stories to amuse their friends. Oh, and laugh we do. Hard.
I never had the pleasure of such experiences. Although in the uber-competitive parenting arena, I’ve heard they’re likely setting up similar sites for playdates. (Interesting tangent: Autocorrect just changed “playdates” to “playmates.” Um, no.)
Oh, no! A playdate site? That’s funny.
If you can’t see the humor in the situations from the dating sites, you will find you are crying. A lot. It’s a crazy circus, but the norm these days for meeting people.
[…] mistakes writing here and elsewhere, but I never publish something without proofreading,” says Naked Girl in a Dress. “I am picky on this topic, but I don’t have lofty goals with this one; I am not looking for […]