Starting to date after a marriage has ended can be difficult. I often hear, “I never thought I would be doing this again.” After spending most of my adult life with the same man, I was not prepared for dating at 39 either. Regardless of whether meeting someone new involves sitting on a barstool, through a social club, speed dating, or the internet, it should all start with the same thing: knowing what someone wants in a partner.

The following advice was learned the hard way; I started dating before having a clearly-defined idea of what I wanted in a partner and, as a result, ended up in a relationship with a man who was wrong for me. My first dating experience post-separation would not have happened (or would have ended quickly) if I followed the advice I give now.

The best advice I could give to someone starting to date:

I also broke each of these rules in the last year. I would get involved and forget to revisit my list. I would fail to edit the list after a break up. I also tucked away incompatibility issues, ignoring the obvious, because a guy was fun on a date or because someone was nice and I should try to like him more. Each time I went against my own advice, it was a mistake.

Conversely, whenever I followed this simple advice, it was a success. I had a lot of first-and-only dates, quickly assessing a man and knowing there was no chance we would be a good fit. I was also able to end relationships fairly quickly after learning more about him, realizing it could not progress further.

A year later, my list looks different than it did after publishing my first version, but still has many items from a year ago.

Here’s my current list:

  1. Happy and fulfilled in his own life.
  2. Loyal and honest.
  3. Laughs often, with a great sense of humor.
  4. Kind, encouraging, and thoughtful.
  5. A great communicator.
  6. Not emotionally tied to ex-wife (still battling her and/or living in the past).
  7. Confident and secure with himself.
  8. A great father.
  9. Smart and successful (not in a monetary sense, but has a life purpose and enjoys his career).
  10. Maintains good relationships with family, friends, and his children.
  11. Is already divorced.*
  12. Loves baseball.*
  13. Accepts who I am unconditionally.*
  14. Exercises regularly and has healthy habits.*

* New additions over the last year.

Of the new items on the list, I have unapologetically added ‘loves baseball.’ I wanted to add it to the list originally, but felt that was crazy and close-minded of me. After dating some who did not enjoy baseball, I learned something essential:

Nothing on the list is crazy if it is important to me.

Do you or have you had a list?

How has it worked for you?